High in November
Cheery as a lamb
Johnny toddles by & tousles my hair.
… & I'm back in my first months in NY, my empty apartment
(now with so much art & books & breathing) —
the light fixture I thought was a gas outlet:
scared to touch it, I didn't see my walls for years.
One Fourth of July, Brodey sat on the middle part of an aqua sectional couch—
the only piece I had—
grilling over his shoulder on the fire escape
in the hibachi he'd brought.
Later I pushed that couch out the window.
I found broken glass
in a jar of bouillon powder
& the company by way of apology
sent me a case of caviar.
I opened my tenement icebox one day
to nothing but caviar & decided to throw a cocktail party.
I bought a blender
& made a drink of honeydew melon & vodka.
I eat cookies with specks of salt
& kiss Johnny on his way to lie down & watch
something that makes him laugh.
I look at Biala's flowers every day
& every day I'm abashed to see them.
Just like Ollie, my 40-years-older boyfriend
who I loved so much,
I managed to get old
being the same old fucked-up me.