Elinor Nauen

For some reason I got all weepy today missing Buster, the best cat of all time. Sweetest, mellowest, enlightenedest Buster. I wasn't in the least missing him because Lefty is such a drittsek. Really, Lefty is just young & bossy, "somebody's darling" in that way that makes cocky young men find it impossible to imagine that their uppance could ever come. Although since he's a cat, he isn't going to take that attitude to the Supreme Court. If I believed in an afterlife, I would want to spend it with Buster. 

My Cat Buster

 

 

I.

Buster curling on himself

a disappearing wisp

tomorrow he'll die

 

Buster still as loving

wanting my hand as he goes

on ahead

 

Buster the large-souled kindness

Buster the nonjudgmental

Buster the beloved

 

tomorrow

you

die

 

 

II.

I carried him in my arms

wrapped in a towel

he couldn't walk

I couldn't

 

put him in the carrier

& let him bang against me

it was warm out & sunny

he blinked

 

& turned

his face

to the sun

& smiled

 

even dying

he had a kitten

love for fresh

air & adventure

 

& then he looked at me

he stared in my eyes

& we told each other it was OK,

this parting,

 

that we were grateful for love & care

that I was his & he was mine

& the rest didn't matter.

He stared at me: Will you let me go?

 

I don't want to

but there's no body left

to hold his love.

Buster leaves on his own terms

 

He decided how it was to be

His body threw him into spasm

& he was gone

someday

 

this will be 20 years ago

& 100 years ago & I will

be forgotten

Buster is in my heart

 

III.

I call for him though I know he's not there

I look on his chair & at his dish

my hand rolls to his spot

his smile in the sunshine

despite the hard work of dying

such grace

to take every bit of life

& all I did was give him treats &

all he did was love me

& show me

how to be with him

Buster the purringest cat

Buster the accepting

Buster who loved me

 

it's lonesome in our house

 

 

[[[not sure this is ready but I need to get it away from me]]]

No more running to the door to meet me. No more clawing the bathroom door open demanding treats. No more snuggling between us on the bed. No more galloping around like a crazy person at 4:30 in the morning. No more nonstop purring the minute he climbs into my lap. No more sleeping on my head, holding my finger. 

 

Buster was a gentleman, a love bug, who never made me think he was condescending to me. We were pals & partners. 

 

The Mr. Rogers of cats. 

 

We took him in to be euthanized this afternoon but he died just a moment before they could start. I feel happy about that: that he died on his own terms, & not shorted even by a minute his full life span. And in case you think we made him hang on too long, yesterday the vet said she expected he had a few more weeks. Until she got the bloods. His kidney numbers were higher than the machine could read. She couldn't believe he could walk. But he did. The dying was that quick. 

 

Buster, please be reincarnated with that big patient heart of yours. 

Buster always sleeps with us. He waits till I get into bed, when I click at him & a moment later, there he is, wiggling into comfort between us. When I wake up, he's usually at the end of the bed but sometimes he's on my head or pillow. 

 

Last night he didn't come when I called. He slept deep in the closet. I worry. Dante did that when he was separating from life & from us. 

 

I snuck in & gave him an appetite stimulant, & I dragged him out to give him his subcutaneous fluids. He ate (he ate!) & now he's sleeping at the edge of the closet. 

 

He doesn't look unhappy or gaunt so I'm going to believe he'll be OK for a little while longer. 

 

I love that little purring loving being. 

We may grow to look look our pets, but they grow to act like us. When Johnny's sleeping, so, often is Buster, & in a similar curl. 

 

Update: Sleeping beasties, Johnny just said. 

 

Buster in his Halloween crab hat. Not liking it but OK with whatever silliness I force upon him. He is such an enlightened little being. 

 

Also, I seem to have lost my mind. I now have tickets for three trips in the next 4 months, to St. Paul, Barcelona, & Edinburgh. 

So happy! Buster has been taking thyroid meds & in 3 weeks he's easily gained a pound, I'd bet—a lot for a being that was down to 8.1 pounds. Now what he eats stays on him, rather than peeing it all out. His eyes were sunk in his head he was so dehydrated & he barely could get off the floor. Now his behavior is beginning to match his kitten face. He leaps & trots & meets me at the door. Also, he is so in love with us. I can barely get him off my lap. We haven't been back to the vet, not for another couple weeks, but it's so clear that the meds & subcutaneous fluids are doing him a world of good. 

Missing my little guy.

He's at home & too heavy to haul back & forth, even just a few blocks.

I love the way he looks at me, the way he licks my fingers, the way he gallops to the bed as soon as I lie down at night & to his dish as soon as I get up in the morning.

The serious way he is trying to catch this mousey thingy.
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Every once in a while I just have to show you my little tureen. He is so patient & ignores us yelling at him when he indulges his foibles, such as knocking a cup of coffee over the kitchen table, or biting our toes when he's hungry during the night. Sweet little Buster!  Read More 

Bad bad Buster Nauen
Fattest cat in the whole downtown